Benadryl diphenhydramine over doses over 1 year now every day but used since age 19....

 Did you ever know how shitty life is when your a mentally ill treated nothing? I am not nothing special, I lost my brother when I was 7 yrs old, he died when he was 10 months old.... later had to deal with school and all it's horrible things I went through till I got forever kicked out in 1999. I had ss life and need to do a life story on my shitty shit life... I got married when I was 25 to a 46 yr old woman, she left 6 years ago still married... that was first time with a girl for me age 24 till she left Jan 24th 2015.... I always had problems with alcohol not constant but 2-4 times a year I drank, with ex and went to jail twice faced lots of time, mental illness is reason guilty by that and pile of medical records guilty of small petty charge due to mental illness.... I used Benadryl diphenhydramine since 19, I over dosed man times but never for every day for a year or more on 2,000 MG a day every day, I slit my throat in 2019 over shit with ex and had 19 sitches put in.... since I come back "home" to parent's home, Mother is mentally gone and STS and dead as doornail. Was that in 2019 a suicide attempt? NO.... I was so angry and something took over, couldn't take the pain anymore so that happened April 29 2019 and got back here after hell 3 months a way in 2019? Then bam back on benadryl at 2,000mg a day and been this way for over a year... I told people, they don't give a fuck about my 36 yr old ass and don't know the HELL I GO THROUGH WITH MOTHER....control freak control control control and is killing me with benadryl diphenhydramine she don't give a fuck and so I don't give a fuck except I am not suicidal nor am I trying to that now.... I am getting off benadryl 2,000 mg a day but with stress and worry I weighed 310 now I weigh 215.... talking to neither works, I need something to get off this shit this poison and severe pain and panic anxiety problem and anger problem... I have had enough, nothing changes around here, gotta walk on goddamn egg shells fuck that your mother is sick shit.... sso am I Goddamn it!~!~!and her and ex's fault...How the fuck am i gonna get off this shit or let it kill me like others make sure I do? FUCK THEM FUCKERS!!!